Dear baby,

I miss you very much! How are you? Do you miss me? How's heaven like? Is it cool to live on the clouds? Do you get to see northern light every day? Do you wear Jesus-like rope and have halo?  I'm worried about you, you know, thinking of you all the time. Though I know that you are now in the best place you could possibly be.

Things are fine on my side, running in and out with the hustle and bustle. At the end of the day, I'll just ponder and wish that you'll be here with me, and missing the moments waking up by your side.

 Well, there's this footballer, Germany's goalkeeper Robert Enke just took own life a couple of days ago.  There's a lot going on the media. His memorial and funeral service, it was just too much for me. It saddens me and at the same time I'm angry with him. People fight for their lives and would trade anything for another day. How I wish you were given a choice to live longer. But, that's nature. We are in no control of that. You just can't go against the nature. That's wrong and sinful. What more leaving his loved ones behind.

I watched MJ's this is it show yesterday. It was so surreal. Just few months ago, we were talking on the phone over his sudden death and watching his memorial service. And pfoooffs… the next thing, you left me.

People always leave. Famous, rich, poor, good, evil, noble, just that everyone leaves. So tell me baby, how do we value our lives? Or do we always need to put a value into everything and everyone in our lives?

Who and what matters?

It's hard for me to tell.

I've been searching for peace and serenity. I strive for my freedom and hunt for my happiness.

But, you can't plan or look for happiness. It just happens - simple joys such as humble before Him.

Likewise today, merely 5 months ago, I was complaining to you how painful it was to get rid one of my wisdom teeth. And you pampered me effortlessly. And today I had two of them extracted all at the same time. It was gruesome, the pain and the pressure just yuckkk. You were all I could ever think of.

Love,

Your sayang

Sometimes, I do wonder if knowledge does necessarily result in happiness. Of course, there's no boundary or extent on how much one could possibly know. You know, it's always the more the merrier kinda thing.

Sometimes, living inside a shell is not a bad thing. I guess that's what most people would choose to do - living blissfully in their comfort zone. After all, so what if there's some bloody-jackass-moron suicide bomber blasted Pakistan? So what, if a bloody new rocket just invaded the moon?

Do all these things even matter our lives?

Or do we choose to even allow these things to bother us?

Take my parents for example. You see when I was back in Malaysia for my summer break; my vision was clear and still is. I'm a BEACH person. I can trade anything for sun, sea and sand, anything. All I wanted was just a humble gateway to beaches in Indonesian and Thailand. That was when knowing too much spoilt my party - religion extremists, political unrest, natural disasters and etc and etc.

There I was, trapped in Bolehland, the safest country in whole wide world, ohhh of course and Germany. Just that, I wouldn't trade my parents for the world.

In some cases, being too alert or sensitive does not always simplify things. In fact, it complicates our lives. Making every decisions harder to reach and worst of it worries us!  

Haha...

The effect of the coffee boost is failing…

Hence, my two cents will be continued…

P/S : Happy 26^th Birthday Michelle!! You're not just a year older but a year better!!

I’m missing you every day, baby!

Oh baby, this is hard. At times, I don’t have a clear set of mind, the moment of clarity and peace.

You were always there; I turned to you when I can’t seem  to tell what was right and what was wrong. You weighed all the factors, the out coming advantages or the imminent dangers. You soothed me when I can’t make up my mind, telling me to take my time and eventually calmed me down.

The fact that I’m writing everything in past tense is just unreal.

How I wish I could cherish you more when you were around - Simple things like making more regular trips to Aachen to enjoying your lovely voice when you sang to me. How I wish you could be the first person to see me jumping for joy and to hear me crying in sorrow. How I wish I could turn back time.

I’m longing for your presence, care, thoughtfulness, wisdom and above all your love.  Your attention to detail amazed me. I want to give it back to you. Tenfold, hundredfold. 

If only, I had the chance..

R : Listen to me. Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best place possible place in the world for it.

E : But I really love him.

R : Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. But the love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dinky mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. Don't laugh.

E : But I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over him is because I seriously believed he was my soul mate.

R : He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah, too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over. His purpose was to shake you up, break your heart, open so new light could get in. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept the relationship had a real short shelf live. You're like a dog at the dump, baby. You're just licking at an empty can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.

E : But I love him.

R : So love him.

E : But I miss him.

R: So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think of him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of him because you'll really be alone. But here's what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about him, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot, a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in. God will rush in and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using him to block that door. Let it go.

E : But I wish me and him could..

R : See, now that's your problem. You're wishing too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.

Dear St Jon Darling,

Hello love, it has been two months since you left me, time flies baby. I'm missing you badly. But I'm in good shape. I'm eating well and drinking less as you always wanted me to do. You know what I mean right, baby. I'm always your good girl.

Today's magical. People around me are acting a little weird. Ohhh, in fact they are too good to be true. My Professors are so angelic and I think I might fall in love with them. Sorry sayang. When I was in the subway sniffing and hoping somebody would spare me some tissues, TADA I got it!! A sweet little old man noticed and handed me some. Hence I was having a big grin on my face the whole day! Everything seems a little extraordinary today.

I somehow feel that whatever good that has happened to me came from you. It's like a reminder that you are always here. Did I tell you its magical?  

Oh yeah baby, do you remember PS I Love You? The movie I always wanted to watch but never did? Probably it was meant to be. I watched it yesterday!

Though you're no long one call away, but I'll continue to use this to reach you. Yes THIS.

I was in Berlin over the weekend. Well, like you said, it's filled blocks with lots of walking creatures in it. Just like every another German cities plus more Asians.

The only thing I really love about the city is the TRABBI and Ampelmännchen. They are extremely cute!

This definitely reminds me of you!

Your all-time favorite top.

I MISS YOU dear!

I'll be heading back to Köln this coming weekend. To be honest, I'm afraid. You've got to help me alright? Give me the strength to look up to the Kölner Dom and cope with the promise that will never be fulfilled.   

I Sayang You!

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace

I somehow enjoy reading the book of Ecclesiastes, especially this chapter.

But don't get me wrong, if you have any doubts or qualms about the bible, I will be the last person you would seek advise for.

I wasn't brought up in a christian family and i knew very little about faith until i was in my teenage years when `Heaven´ came into the picture and being questioned.

After years of spiritual development, discovery and practice, i still have my doubts on certain things in the bible.

Is the TRUTH behind the stories is what i'm searching for?

Or believing what i choose to believe is the answer?

I read this chapter over and over again during my darkest hour.

I even read it to Jonathan in the ICU, on the phone and during his very last moment in the hospital.

It came as a complete surprise when the pastor recited these verses during his service.

Ultimately i knew at that point, He is the answer to my question.

He answers.

Dear St. Jon,

How have you been? It has been a month since you left me. You are dearly and sorely missed.  I miss your smile, your comforting voice, your tender hands, your everything. There's not a day that gone by without thinking of you.

No more how are you dear, no more i'm okay dear, no more I love you dear..

 Every move i make reminds me of you. You have brought a lot of laughter and joy in my life.  You thought me how to bless others. You  led me and comforted me unfailingly.

For the past 4 weeks, I've tried to put on the very best side of me, strong, composed, bubbly, cheerful, for you and my family. I know there's nothing i can do to change this, no amount of tears or sadness can make any difference into the situation. The impact you left mould me to a stronger and wiser soul . Most importantly, you thought me how to bless and love others.

I'm forever blessed to have you in my life. Eventhough physically we're apart, you  are always here emotionally.  Your encouraging voice and unending humility.

Lieber Jonathan,

zu früh, viel zu früh hast DU uns verlassen.
Wir, die wir DICH kennen und sehr schätzen
gelernt haben, beweinen es.
Für uns wirst DU weiter da sein: in unseren
Gedanken und wundervollen Erinnerungen.
Ruhe in Frieden, lieber Freund und Mitmensch.
AMEN

- R.Lambert

Dear St. Jonathan,

Hi my baby angel, I'm missing you very much. There's not a day fill without thinking of you. I know you are watching over me now, protecting and looking after all my needs. Though your voice and presence are sorely missed, but I know you are with me.

You're a gift to me, an angel sent to guide and lift me up. You're a gift to me, loving me unconditionally even when I doubted. You are a gift to me, ensuring me that everything is going to be fine even when you were in your most painful state. You're a gift to me, providing and giving your unending love and support when I most needed.

I'm privileged to receive this gift, a gift that I thought once do not deserve to have. But now I can proudly declare that this gift will be forever mine, the angel who are always there.

I LOVE YOU my baby angel.

"Life is a gift, not a right"

-Jonathan Lee

Jonathan means God's Gift. You are indeed a gift and gifted.